Friday, May 8, 2009
To the Vermin
Dearest Mickey and Minnie,
You are wonderful! My family and I quite enjoyed our vacation visiting your home a few years ago and plan to return for another visit in the future. We are also quite enamored with many of the movies you and your friends produce. Mickey, you are always a meek and kind. Minnie, you are the only creature I know who can pull off the whole black-tights-with-white-shoes look. Kudos!
Dear Chuck E. Cheese,
You're great! Although you terrify my five-year-old, as a general statement of fact my children love your place. There is no end to the joy they feel as they run from game to game. I must confess my own giddiness when I play Skeeball or Wheel of Fortune. You really know how to provide a good time (even if my Michael would rather die than eat your pizza). Thanks for a great place to hang out with wild children on a rainy day.
Dear Stuart Little,
How adorable you are! I remember my parents reading me your book as a child and was pleased as punch to do the same to my children. My Mason watched the movie adaptation of your tale often when I was busy with newborn Marlee. (Can you believe how different Hugh Laurie is on House? It's hard to believe that's the same guy!) Anyway, back to you--you're a perfect little gentlemanly mouse.
To the Mouse Who Comes into My Pantry to Feast Every Night:
You are not welcome here. Get out. Get out! GET OUT! In case the three different kinds of mouse traps I've set are not communicating my true feelings on this topic, let me be clear: I don't want you in my house! I don't want to wake up in the morning to traps that have been licked clean by your greedy little hands, peanut butter that has been smeared all over the floor, and mouse feces that has been sprinkled liberally about. Look, Little Houdini, I am not sure how you are evading all the traps while still stuffing your face with my peanut butter bait, but enough is enough! You are welcome to live in my yard. Please, feel free to share my trash with Ricky the Raccoon and the countless squirrels who feast in it daily. But know this: your days in my pantry are numbered. I do not clip coupons, wrestle small children in grocery stores and line my pantry shelves with staples to feed rodents. Leave now or I'm going to get really mean.